Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Daddy Issues

Yeah... So ... Daddy issues, right?

I mean, how is it that a guy I haven't even seen since I was 8 years old can still have such a strong effect on me.

It's stupid... but today I realized that a number of my behaviors only exist because of him.

Because of a man I once feared more than the monster under my bed.

Because of a man I once wanted to be, yet later came to view as an example of how NOT to be.

Like I said ... it's stupid.

But earlier today, as I was shopping for groceries, I picked up a big bottle of vegetable juice...and it all came rushing back. Again.

When I was a kid... Dad was the only one who drank vegetable juice. And to this day the smell of the stuff brings back the memories of those days when I used to sit on his lap, pretending I was asleep as he watched sports ... or action films ... or whatever. I didn't care, as long as I felt like he was paying attention to me. Sad truth is ... sitting on his lap pretending to nap was the closest I got to positive attention back then.

And I put ketchup on my spagetti. Weird, right? But I do it... Can't help but do it. Why? Because he used to do it. And, to this day, I can't eat a plain bowl of pasta without putting ketchup on it ... even if it has sauce.

Even dumber... I love squeeze cheese. Why? Because he loved squeeze cheese. And once, when I was pretend-snoozing on his lap, he shook me and let me have a single wheat thin with some processed cheese, some stuffed-in-a-compressed can cheese slathered all over it. I don't know that anything had ever tasted so good before or since.

And when I looked for him...when I have looked for him... he has hidden from me. Disowned me. Shunned me.

Like I said ... stupid, right?

5 comments:

  1. Not stupid at all.. :) All of us, who lose a parent at such a young age, go through this. I think it is subconsciously a way to hold on to them.

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  2. Nathan... I've been thinking about writing a comment for a couple of days. Yet, I haven't the faintest idea of what to write to you. However, I think you're an amazing person, and although sometimes it feels so stupid it is perfectly human to question things like that. The relationship between father and son is a precious one. I'm sorry you didn't get that from yours. It's easy enought to father a child, much harder to actually be a father. It's not an excuse, but it is never the child's fault. That much I know.

    I hope you find him, he shows remorse and lets you have him in your life. I hope the best for you even if he doesn't.

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  3. I'm a chick and still have daddy issues. My dad, who was funny and loving, playful and charming, stopped interacting much with me about pre-puberty age. 7-8-9-10 and on, and reserved his interactions and affection for my two younger brothers. My mother took over my rearing, a cold, socially awkward woman. Took me probably 30 years to understand a little bit and get up the guts to discuss it with him. Turned out OK. He said he didn't realize and apologized, then took me out for a blessed day of shooting at cans, golfing and other stuff usually reserved for my brothers. It was healing, though I still seek only the company of men and shun women as devious, unknowable and snakey. Mommy issues too, I guess.

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  4. After my dad died, I requested his vests,(which I wear over blouses)his K-bar knife (which I carry in my purse) and his old siver cigarette case (which I carry daily as well). My mother's stuff, I couldn't care less about. It's all about connection.

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