Yeah... So ... Daddy issues, right?
I mean, how is it that a guy I haven't even seen since I was 8 years old can still have such a strong effect on me.
It's stupid... but today I realized that a number of my behaviors only exist because of him.
Because of a man I once feared more than the monster under my bed.
Because of a man I once wanted to be, yet later came to view as an example of how NOT to be.
Like I said ... it's stupid.
But earlier today, as I was shopping for groceries, I picked up a big bottle of vegetable juice...and it all came rushing back. Again.
When I was a kid... Dad was the only one who drank vegetable juice. And to this day the smell of the stuff brings back the memories of those days when I used to sit on his lap, pretending I was asleep as he watched sports ... or action films ... or whatever. I didn't care, as long as I felt like he was paying attention to me. Sad truth is ... sitting on his lap pretending to nap was the closest I got to positive attention back then.
And I put ketchup on my spagetti. Weird, right? But I do it... Can't help but do it. Why? Because he used to do it. And, to this day, I can't eat a plain bowl of pasta without putting ketchup on it ... even if it has sauce.
Even dumber... I love squeeze cheese. Why? Because he loved squeeze cheese. And once, when I was pretend-snoozing on his lap, he shook me and let me have a single wheat thin with some processed cheese, some stuffed-in-a-compressed can cheese slathered all over it. I don't know that anything had ever tasted so good before or since.
And when I looked for him...when I have looked for him... he has hidden from me. Disowned me. Shunned me.
Like I said ... stupid, right?