Tuesday, May 17, 2011

In Observance of Zombie Awareness Month (a.k.a. "May")

Hello Dear Readers!

While May is among my favorite months of the year, it being Zombie Awareness Month and all, it also seems to always turn out to be one of the busiest months of the year for me (of course, its not like June is any better...but I digress).

The recent business that is my life has resulted in my epic failure to blog any zombie-related posts during this most auspicious of times. This is the Romero-version of Christmas, after all ... um ... yeah ... it's Romero-mas.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking: “Just great! Yet another generic blog post that's going to bore me with a bunch of oh-so-obvious tips on how to survive a zombie apocalypse.”

Oh yeah? Well, you know what, Mr. and/or Mrs. Cynicism? Perhaps, you might want to read more than a paragraph of this blog post before you come to such a BOLD conclusion!

Frankly, I find your lack of faith disturbing (cue Darth Vader voice and creepy breathing sound effects).

Anyway … what was I supposed to be doing?
Oh, yeah … it’s Zombie Awareness Month! For those who don't know, this is that special time of year when everyone (or, at least, those who are aware that such a month even EXISTS) take a day here and there (after all, we have the whole month ... so why wear ourselves out?) to prepare for the unlikely yet inevitable day when the living dead come knocking on our doors, wanting nothing more than to feast on our warm flesh and, by doing so, finally force us to join the moaning collective of their mindless horde.

Good times!

However, I would not dare to insult the intelligence of my dear readers by regurgitating the same old Z-Day survival strategies that everyone already knows, for what would likely be the kajillionth time. Seriously, every year some genius publishes a set of ridiculously uninsightful tip in an article or weblog ... shoving the same old tired maxims down the readers' throats:
“Horde food and water!”
“Aim for the HEAD!”
"Stay away from largely populated areas!"

Whoa … REALLY? … well thanks for enlightening me, there, Captain Obvious! Thanks be to [insert deity of choice here] that you happened along my path! I shudder to imagine what would have become of me, had you not blessed me with your sage-like tidbits of zombie-survival wisdom!

Okay … I think I’ve more than satisfied my biting sarcasm quota for the day.

Moving on.

So, at this point you are probably wondering “Well, if this guy is not going to offer us any zombie apocalypse survival tips, what is he going to tell us?” (Then again, you may just be wondering why on Earth you ever opened this blog post in the first place, and/or are currently shaking your fist at the heavens for cursing you with such a cruel fate as this ... either one)

Very well, dear readers. I will stop punishing you with what appears to have become an increasingly obvious testament to my rampant ADHD.

I shall tell you of the awesome for which thou art all in store! Verily!

What I bring you …. IS …


That’s right! You will now be able to say to others, “I’m going to survive Z-day by NOT doing stuff.” While all your friends are still running around, tiring themsleves out & lookin’ like fools … because they’re doin’ stuff.

While everyone else is telling you to do "this thing" or "that stuff" for this year’s Zombie Awareness Month, I am going to ask quite the opposite of you …

I want you to NOT do stuff.

You can start by NOT doing ANY of the below listed training and preparation methods, all of which have been tried and tested (and epically failed) by our tester team, comprised primarily of expert, Darwin-Award-winning, amateur zombie survival enthusiasts from across the globe:

1. Throwing a rock at a hive of Africanized bees and then running like hell is NOT a recommended method of training for the Zombie Apocalypse

2. Chasing stray cats around your neighborhood with a tennis racket at 2:00 in the morning is NOT a recommended training method for the Zombie Apocalypse

3. Jumping into the lion pit at the Zoo & trying to avoid being eaten is NOT a recommended training method for the Zombie Apocalypse

4. Chasing chickens with a cricket bat through the darkest alleys of the New Orleans French Quarter is NOT a recommended training method for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

5. Eating nothing but SPAM and Sardines for a month is NOT a recommended training method for the Zombie Apocalypse

6. Backpacking from Detroit to Flint, Michigan is NOT a recommended training method for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

7. Kicking over the line of custom Harleys that are parked in front of the local Biker Bar, then throwing up both middle fingers while screaming "Honda FOREVER!" & immediately running for your life is NOT a recommended training method for the Zombie Apocalypse

8. Putting landmines in your backyard is NOT a recommended preparatory measure for the Zombie Apocalypse (that poor puppy)

9. Preemptively lining the perimeter of your front yard with razor wire and a 40000 lumens motion detecting floodlight may violate several of your neighborhood’s Home Owner Association policies (unless you live in a warzone, you should probably just assume that it does ... so do NOT do this ... yet)

10. Do NOT destroy the staircase BEFORE you and your supplies are UPSTAIRS. (and, besides, what happens when you need to get down? It's not like you can live up there forever!)

And there you have it folks!

So, when/if someone asks you: “What are you doing for this year’s Zombie Awareness Month?”

You can reply with, “Well, I’ll tell you what I’m NOT doing.”


Now get out there and stop doing stuff!
(FYI … the “Aim for the head” rule still stands)

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